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cngodles
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Name: Clinton N.
Location: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, United States
Birthday: 5/8/1983
Gender: Male
Interests: Web Development, Bamboo, Salt Water Fish, Mastiffs, Photography.
Expertise: Web Development (PHP/MYSQL/JS) and Multimedia
Occupation: Computer related (Internet)
Industry: Computers (Internet)
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  cngodles
Yahoo:  cngodles
Member Since:
6/18/2004
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| Lol, I guess I don't use Xanga anymore. I really should get my posts into some sort of book, though. | | |
| I really want to write about the change that I'm incurring as fatherhood approaches. I don't have lots of time now, but time enough to jot down some things. First off there is always the time suck aspect of it. My child will have to depend on me all of the time. There is not much in my life that needs that right now, just Rachel really. And while at first I was thinking this was going to suck, it really won't. I keep feeling this impending feeling of responsibility creep towards me. Like for instance, my job. I go to work, make money, come home. If I lost my job, I'd fail my wife. Suddenly, if I lost my job, I fail my entire family. That is something I have accepted already, and I feel braver for it. Like I can't let my family down. I'll do whatever and work however hard it takes so that they have a good life. I love my job right now, but if something were to happen, I'd work extra hard to succeed at whatever job I needed to do to "bring home the bacon". Surprisingly enough my relationship with my parents has seemed to have cooled these past few months. I'm not sure if it's leftovers from the Thanksgiving fight, but it's something. It feels like anytime I talk to them they just don't have nice things to say. Especially on the topic of not talking to them. I want to talk to them now, but I know I'll hear about how unavailable I've been lately and that just rubs me completely the wrong way. But that's parenthood for you. That is something I'll have to take as well. No matter what I do, things will happen. My child will eventually fall and scrape it's knees. It will fail at something, and I'll have to take that as well. I really hated failing English in 9th grade, having to go to Summer school, but I can imagine what a let down it was for my parents now. I'm starting to "get it". What can you do? Nothing really, just try harder. And be the best dad I can be. Thursday we find out about the baby's gender. Woohoo! | | |
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3.31, originally uploaded by cngodles.
I'm sitting here stalling. I need to take my 3.32 photo and I just don't want to get up. I don't have a shirt on, and I'm wondering how many I've taken this year sans shirt. I'm trying to cut back. Let me see...
5, and with one every other day this past week, I'll be putting one on for my shot.
Also, I'm bored with my house and the lack of photo inspiration it provides. There are only so many rooms. Tons of cluttered walls, nothing I can really take a photo against.You'll never hate taking selfies as much as you'll hate it after doing it for over a year straight. This will be my 14th month in a row. | | |
| Well, that's what I asked myself today. And I came up with a really simple answer. It's everything that you see and do. The meaning of life is YOUR life. May of 1983 I was born into this world. My eyes opened at some point, and I saw what was going on. Sure, things happened before that, lots of things. So many things that we as humans only know so many details. We are pretty keen back to 1900. And know our stuff back to 1800. Even 1700 isn't that bad. Then when you get to 1600, small details get lost. 1000 and your lost. Every once in a while we find some bog man who's body is well preserved for being some 2000 years old. But that was luck. The bog preserved the body. I always find things like the following photo to be creepy in it's own way:
All those people in that photo, they are all dead. All long gone. Each one knew their own personal meaning of life. They lived 40, 50, 60 years. Then died from some cause. They all look kinda badass, I would be at least one of them got shot. The photo was taken between 1910 and 1915. They all look to be over 20 years of age, and assuming the youngest is 20, and the photo was taken 1915 at the latest, the 20 year old would be 115 years old today.
So anyway, kinda off-topic here. Those guys, I'll never meet them. And thus they are not really part of my life. They may have shaped history in some way that effects me today, but things that happened back then, it's not my life.
I'm 26 now. I hope to live at least 80 years. So another 54 years ahead of me based on that assumption. I believe in God, as I believe there has to be a creator to everything that you see. The electrons that run this display? They just didn't appear out of nothing, some greater power put all of these atoms here. And I believe is to be God, and that someone, someway my soul will live on. I believe in science as well. That science was created by God. The gravity, the laws of physics, all by the creator.
Maybe my soul won't, by an act of magic, ascend to the place called heaven when I die. There is no way of knowing without having another act of magic show me with my own eyes. Without the voice of God the creator tell me directly. I just have to live my life, hour by hour, day by etc. When I die, I then either wake up again somewhere else, or the lights are out for good. All these thoughts I'm recording right now, those will be what I leave behind. Every photo I take, every video I record. The children I bear, the lessons I teach. Perhaps I'll go on a journey onto another world, through the transfer of my soul from one place to another.
So life is life. Your life is your life. You may read these words and see this all in a different light. But you'll never experience what I'm experiencing writing this. Your brain will not think up the exact same thoughts and type them out the same way. In the same room of the same house, on the same day, in the same year, in the same temperature, etc. That is a totally unique thing I'm doing right now. You can ride any roller coaster at Kennywood, sit in the same seat as the person before you, but it won't be the same as he or she saw it. Maybe that person hates heights, or bright lights, or screaming people, quite people. Whatever it is, each person experiences it differently.
Look at sports for example. Maybe Baseball. There are hundreds of pro baseball players. They all worked pretty hard to get where they are. But the experience is all different. Different teams, different cities, different positions, different paychecks.
And from that day I first opened my eyes, to the day I take my last breath, that is my life. Before I started and after I'm gone, I'll have no direct input. The meaning is to live. Maybe your sitting in front of your TV for the 3rd day in a row and you think you really need to live life fuller. The thing is, you are. Your doing something you want to do. When your bored enough to leave it behind, then you do the next thing.
I think that all of the time when I'm using a computer. Right now. I was in bed at midnight, then I got up, came into this room, and haven't left yet. I could be sleeping. I could be doing some sort of hobby. But I'm glued to the screen. Do I want to spend my life staring at it? But it's hard not to. So much information. Facebook is information overload. I have 140 friends on Facebook, 130 of them I would probably have zero idea on what they are up to. Now I do again.
And for some reason, I can't get enough.
Ok, that is way too much babble. I wonder if anyone would actually read all of that.
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| I used to think (and still do) that I was pretty good at sorting out other people's relationships. If someone had a problem, I could look at both people, put myself in their shoes, and figure out why he did this, and she did that. I like looking at relationships, and I follow a few going on with people around me. Some of them are on the Internet, some are friends of mine. But rarely do I offer advice anymore. It was easy when I was younger and single, or dating. But I focus that energy on my own Marriage, which I must say is going quite well these last 4-5 years. It's been swell the whole time, just easily sailing the past few years.
Anyway, there are two that are on my radar more recently. One is a girl who fell for a guy, then moved halfway across the world. And intends to stay there. It's interesting how it goes. He and she both want to be together, but unless he moves there and stays, I'm doubting it will work. Long distance just doesn't work. You need each other to be there for, well, each other. You can write, e-mail, photograph, video tape. But that doesn't quite replace a kiss, a hug, and all the other wonderful things two people can do together. And you can live without those, for a while.
So I just sit back, and see what comes. I'm sad that I think it won't work out in the end, but it's an interesting story watching them long for one another.
The second one is a couple that I know more closely. They have been together, for over a year. The girl is one without previous attachments. No kids, no marriage. The guy does have those attachments, the kid, the divorce. But also does what guys tend to do, become sloth about the whole thing. He also has certain addictions that he has trouble kicking, and it's causing lots of friction. Throw in that the kid is causing problems because the divorced is mean, and you have yourself a soap opera. Not sure where this one will end up, the girl is strong willed, and probably a bit hesitant to leave. She created a life for herself and modeled it around him and the house that they share. You have to walk out on that as well. She also has feelings for him. She doesn't seem to be one to just leave for no reason, because she is bored or whatever, and that is to be admired.
The guy defiantly needs to shape up. It's simple really. Does he want her or doesn't he? Is she doing something to upset him? He has to express these feelings, and talk without anger. If that reason is "You won't leave me alone, I just want to sit here and do nothing", that might not be the best route.
That's enough for now. It's time to work. It's very possible these two couples read what I wrote, or they might never see it. I do offer this as advice only. Like I always say, do what you want, it's your life. And sure, it may seem creepy that I watch these unfold, but these same people post this online, to share with the world, and I do consume it.
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